If you feel the need to write something negative on this blog then dont write anything at at! You never get over or move on from the loss of a child! And I will grieve or write what I want this is for our family and friends not for strangers that feel they need to add there two cents!

Its been awhile

I am sorry for those that are still following us on the site for not posting lately. We are getting closer to Christians 3rd Angelversary and I can not believe its been that long since I last held him,hugged,kissed and touched him.
Carter has been talking/missing him more lately too he is finally old enough to go to support group for siblings I hope that it will help him. He also turned 5 in Nov. and that was a rough one for me, he is not officially older then his older brother and that is just not suppose to be!
Isabella is now 17months and growing up fast I can see Christian in her when she does certain things. But when I look at the two of them playing it makes me sad because I know how much Christian would love her, he loved being a big brother.

This year for his angelversary we are collecting Tops Gift Cards and putting together three totes for new families that were just diagnosed.
We want to do something different every year in his memory.

Momma loves and misses you more then ever my sweet boy!

Here are Darrens and my tattoos. Darrens is the ribbon with wings mine the busy bee

Two years

March 23rd has now come and gone and I can not believe it has been two years since I have been able to hold,smell,hug,kiss and look at you. I miss you more and more every day.
To honor your memory we collected books and a few crafts to give to your prek class at Aspire and we had lunch with one of your girlfriends Joanne at the hospital we also got to visit with some of the nurses and ran into your Onc. Doctor which was a nice surprise. We ended the day at your girlfriend Vickys and had dinner with them. We wanted to visit some of the people that meant alot to you as well as us. Seeing all of those people was hard because you werent there with us.
Daddy and momma got our memorial tattoos on Friday night I hope that you like them. Carter said when he is bigger he wants one like us.
I still cant believe you are gone my sweet boy. I want to wake up from this nightmare and have you here with us. Carter has been talking more about you and he was excited to go to your school and meet your other family.
I can see some of you in Isabella now and its bittersweet. I love you my sweet boy and I always will!

sad

Christmas has come and gone and I found that this year was alot harder for me. I miss Christian every second of the day. I see Carter playing with Isabella and think Christian would love her so much and love being her big brother.

I can not believe that it was our second christmas without him. Carter talks about him alot now days and even says he wants him back home to play. I know someone day he will fully understand all of this but right now its heartbreaking.


Isabella will be 4months on the 1st I cannot believe that. She is growing fast. Carter is as well and seems to like school he had his first concert lastweek it was really cute.

Im hoping the pain will ease up and I will be able to have happy moments someday.
I love you forever my sweet Christian!

Yesterday Carter and I decorated the Christmas tree I was doing fine until I opened the box and saw all of Christians homemade ornaments ones we had made and from school. So I decided to let Carter do most of the decorating and I just watched him. He was having so much fun and that was worth the sadness. Of course Isabella watched the whole time smiling and cooing. Seeing everything through there eyes is a wonderful thing.

There is not a second that im not missing Christian and im trying my hardest to get through the holidays for the kids. Carter said the other day that he wants to hug Christian again and that he misses him. It is times like that, that my heart breaks even more so. But at the same time I am happy that he remembers him.

I love you today, tomorrow and forever Christian <3>

my babies

Its been awhile

First off Carter has started pre k this year and so far seems to like it, even though every morning he will say I dont wanna go to school momma. It has been good for him he comes home and will start singing the songs he has learned or counting. I love to hear that from him but at the same time I get a little sad because my baby boy is growing up :(

He turns 4 on Nov. 17th and ive been sad for this birthday pretty soon he will be older then his older brother and that was never suppose to happen. I know that Carter is healthy but theres that fear that when he turns 4 1/2 something will happen to him as well. He is looking more and more like Christian every day I cant help but think about how much fun those two would be having running around after one another.

This weekend we will be getting Isabella baptized and im emotional over that as well, for its the same church that Christian and Carter both were but also the same church that we had Christians service. I know that he will be there in spirit but he is suppose to be there in person.

I really feel like she can see him though when she will look up into the ceiling and start smiling for no reason. At least I hope she can.

There is not a second of the day that im not thinking or missing Christian. I wondered what he would have wanted to be for halloween this year. And what he would have wanted to his 6th birthday. And how much fun he would be having in 1st grade. What would he think of his little sister.

I was asked the other day if she was my first and of course I said no and then was ask does the older two help out with her then. And then there is that moment of why did you have to ask me this going through my head. But I say yes Carter does and leave it at that. What made it worse was it was someone from church I just wish someone would have filled them in on us before they said something. They did not know because they are somewhat new to church. So someday I might have to fill them in I just could not bring myself to do it that day.

I will post a few photos in a few gotta feed Bella now.

Isabella Willow

Isabella Willow made it to the world on Tuesday 9/1/09 at 8:45pm weighing 7lbs and 3ozs and 19 inches long.

photos that were done for us by another angels momma

some photos christians garden and nursery

its been awhile

The past few weeks have been a rough one for me. I have been missing Christian more and more nothing I do helps any. I think about the fact that he wont be here when Carter starts school for the first time and he wont be here when the Isabella arrives. I know he is in spirit but its not the same he is suppose to be here in person. Time is not healing for me not right now at least.

Someone said something today that bothered me, she said just how many shirts do you have like that(meaning with Christians photo on it) whats it matter to her if thats what I decide to wear he is my son and miss him more then anything in this world and I want him here with me! So I kept my mouth shut and went on with the conversation. If you have not lost a child then you really dont know how I am feeling or what I going through and that maybe having his face on a shirt helps me get through the day!!!

As I mentioned Carter will be starting prek this year and I am not looking forward to it. My baby boy is growing up way to fast. We have him potty trained now boy was that a trip. He finally has it for the most part. I cant believe he will be 4 in november im freaking out about that as well since he will soon be older then Christian since he was 4 1/2 when he passed away.

I only hope and pray that the next year will be easier then the last one....

As for the baby she is growing well and everything seems to be ok. My blood sugar levels have been a little up so on medicine for that and seeing the doctor every week weather it be OBGYN or Diabetic and having sono appointments thrown in there as well. I cant wait for her to get out and hopefully life will go back to "normal" for myself at least not running to appointments or taking shots. My due date is in less then 10 weeks but im really hoping and praying that she will make it out before sept. 9th and Carter goes off to school I dont want to miss his first days.

We have been redoing the nursery and it has been a roller coaster for me I could not change the theme after all so we have added to it. We had done the room for Christian when he was a baby and it has been that way ever since. But I think we have done a good job making it into a little girls room.

Baby News

I had a sono yesterday and we found out this baby is a GIRL....so cartie was right all along. She was being stubborn so this is the best picture they could take. She is already acting like her big brothers :)

a year today.....

I can not believe its been a whole year today since you left us here on earth my sweet Christian. I miss you more and more every day. Life just is not the same without you, my heart is broken.
This morning Carter said he wanted to come see you and he has been talking about you all weekend. He sure does miss his big brother to.
I am so angry that you had to die from cancer and that your life was cut so short. What I would not do to have you back with us.
We sold some choc. candies and raised money for ependymoma research in your memory god how I wish it was in your honor. I only hope that one day they will have a cure and other families wont have to go through what ours has to.
I know you are with us each and every day in spirit and in our hearts but I miss hugging you,smelling you, hearing those I love you mommys. I miss being able to lay down beside you and sleep. God I miss everything about you.I hate that you arent here to teach Carter stuff and to fight with him.
We miss you our little angel....

We love you now and forever our sweet sweet Christian.......

updating

Its been awhile since ive posted but wanted to let you all know how we are doing. We filled out paperwork for prek so hopefully next year he will get to go to school.

A few weeks ago Carter runs up to me when I walked into the door and said theres a baby in your belly and of course I thought he was crazy and wondered why he would say something like that. I went to OBGYN today and I am nine weeks pregnant due in late september. He also said its a girl so only time will tell on that one. But I have to think that our sweet Christian had something to do with all of this.

I miss him more and more every day and I can only hope he will watch over this new baby like he does Carter....

its been awhile

So I thought I would update, we are all doing ok for the most part. Carter has a cold so im hoping that will pass soon.
There is not a second in the day that im not missing you Christian and wishing you were here with us.

We are trying to raise money for ependy research and right now we are selling some choc. suckers that our friend(christians girl friend) Vicky help me make. We will be selling them this Friday night at the Airport Lanes (bowling alley). I want to be able to make a donation by March 23rd that will mark one year since our sweet Christian left us. And im hoping that one day they will find a cure for this so that noone else will have to endure the pain that we are going through every day. So if you would like to make a donation to help the other children you can email me at amikinsjo@yahoo.com for more information. Thank you

I cant wait for spring so I can start working in his garden again, im so tired of seeing all the snow back there....

prayers needed

I found out today that my grandma Bessie does not have one tumor but they found another one. Both are around her eye. As of right now they are going to do another MRI in February to see if its growing. This is all I know right now but I do know that my family could use all of the extra prayers that are out there. 

Expanding Photo business

Hi everyone, I wanted to let you know that ive expanded my photography business onto cafepress, this way I can sell the photos on other items. www.cafepress.com/cncphoto 

Update on us, christmas was a little rough for me I was missing Christian and it wasnt the same without him. We did go to grandmas so that was nice to see the family. I hope everyones holidays went well.

updating/prayers needed

We took Carter to see santa last weekend and he would not sit on his lap infact he would not let go of Darren. But santa was nice enough to stand to get a photo. We are getting ready for christmas now making our plans for going to wv and spend time with the family. I am having more and more bad moments these days christmas just isnt the same.

Im asking for prayers for some family members. Grandma Bessie has to have another surgery after the new year for yet another tumor this one is below/around her eye. My aunt Mary who has been battling cancer for a long time now and is not doing so well, also ive just found out that my other aunt Graceann found out she has cancer and it doesnt look to well for her. So as you see there is to much cancer in my family,im just hoping I will be alright and can handle being around everyone for the holidays. 

We are having dinner/christmas saturday with some good friends and then on sunday with Darrens family, we will be having ours on christmas eve to change things up alittle. So as you can see our weekend is going to be really busy. 

Also keep all of the families that have lost there children this past year in your thoughts and prayers over the holiday season.

Christmas

First off we want to thank everyone that has sent us christmas cards. We would like everyone to know that we will not be doing cards this year and we hope that you all understand. If we did not have Carter we would skip it all together this year.

That being said with christmas right around the corner im finding myself having more and more bad days. When I wake up I dont want to get out of bed but I have to for Carter, I wake up angry anymore that ^Christian^ got cancer and then it took his life. There is no greater pain then a mother/father  mourning there child. It will be nine months on the 23rd since he left us and it the pain is only getting worse. 

Carter ask me one day while I was upset what was wrong with me he said in his sweet little voice are you sad mommy, so I said yes I am mommy is missing Christian. So he took me by the hand over to the window and opened the curtian to point up to the sky and said mommy the babys in the sky. That broke my heart.

So once again if you are reading this and you have children doesnt matter there age tell them you love them every single day and give them hugs and kisses. 

Missing you more then anything my sweet Christian wishing you were here with me right now snuggling on my lap....I wish I could hold you my sweet Angel.

updating

Thanksgiving is over and now christmas is on its way. The holidays just arent the same without Christian and without him its making it hard for me to get into the holiday spirit. Christian loved christmas and all the decorations and gifts and all that went with it. We did manage to decorate for Carter he is all about christmas now thanks to all of the movies that have been on already.

If it were up to me I would skip it all together this year. 

The hardest part in putting up decorations was pulling out the little tree with the little disney book ornaments, that was Christians tree he had it up in the hospital and we had it up here and every year he would help put the books on and we would argue over where to put them again it wasnt the same not having him here to help to all of this. 

We spent thanksgiving at a friends house this year and itwas nice but at the same time one of us was missing. We are going to WV for christmas to grandmas house all she wants is for her whole family to be there to have dinner and im looking forward to seeing everyone but at the same time all of my family wont be there. I dont know how im going to get through this next month.

carters bday pics

Missing Christian...Carters bday

We are having Carters 3rd bday party on Saturday and im trying to be happy and pretend that im ok when the truth is im breaking inside, im missing Christian more and more every second of the day. Wishing he was here to celebrate Carters bday and just be here to do all the brother stuff with him. 

I went to get Carter out of bed the other morning and as soon as I walked into the room he sat up and said the babys in the sky. I often wonder if he thinks about Christian or sees him in his dreams. I hope that he does so that can be his way of remembering his brother. 

Ill add pictures from his party sometime soon. 

our little lighting mcqueen

This was halloween night, and his booboo from falling down the steps at a house.

missing Christian

Today was All Saints day so we went to church this morning, they were remebering all that had passed away this past year. It was hard to be there and to hear his name on the list, see the candle being lite for him and hearing about the garden that we had done there. 

Halloween was ok I think what got me through it was seeing how much fun Carter had, he did however fall down some steps and as a result has a big boo boo on his nose, so for a few houses after that he would say he hurt his nose instead of saying thank you, of course my heart stopped when I looked over at him and saw him going head first. UGH!

There is not a second of the day that im not missing Christian, life is so unfair sometimes. I just want to hug my sweet boy and hold him forever. 

We are going to another support group that is starting for bereaved cancer parents monday evening. Its going to be hard to see all these parents I dont know if there will be anyone that we know attending or not. It will be nice to see them but at the sametime hard as h***.I just hope that this will help get me through the holidays.

 

Prayers Needed

For the Meyers family, there son Christian passed away on sunday. Please keep his family in your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. His mom is also battling cancer so please say an extra prayer for her.
Thank you

carties pics

missing him

As the holidays get closer im missing Christian even more. I wish he was here so I could hug, kiss and hold him. A big part of our family is missing and no day will ever be the same. As I sit and watch Carter playing in the pjs that Christian wore last year it makes me sad and now that Carter is starting to use the potty it makes me realize that Christian would have done that two years ago if he would not have gotten sick.

I know that they are two different children but when u lose one of them this is just how a parent feels about things, and for all the ones that are reading this they understand what im saying.

Ive been down myself I hurt something in my hip area and have not been able to do to much for over a week. So that gives a lot of time to sit and think and miss him.I am starting to feel a little better now but I cant wait to be fully recovered.

We went out on Sunday and took some pictures of Carter for his 3rd bday in Nov. I honestly dont know what I would do with out him. He has been a blessing for us something to get up for everymorning. We are getting to know him now and that makes me sad that we missed so much of his life but we had to be with Christian.

Anyways ill add a couple of pics of Cartie in a new message....

3 years

It was 3 years ago today that our lives forever changed. Our first stop was to the peds office and from there to Children's to the ER, we were expecting to hear news about his tonsils or something to do with ENT. But when Darren and Christian came back to the room where I was waiting and he said that he thinks there was something on his brain I did not want to believe it, I shoved it off to the fall that he had a few months earlier and that he was going to be just fine.

A few minutes later two doctors came into that tiny room that we were waiting with sad looks on there face. The woman doctor came closer to us and said that the CT showed there was a spot on Christians brain and they believed it was a tumor. No parent wants to hear this about there baby, and of course we were in shock even when the NS came in to talk to us and let us know that Christian would need surgery, we left the er and went to ICU that was the longest and most confusing night.

So this explained why he was so sick for a month and why he wasn't walking. But again how could this happen to a beautiful 2 year old. I remember I was wearing a teal sweater and was 7and half months pregnant.And seeing my beautiful Christian so sick and feeling so helpless. That was the day that we entered in the world of Brain Tumors and doctors,surgeries,chemo's,radiation.

Today is a day I will never forget. I miss you my sweet sweet Christian and will love you forever.

Prayers for Owens family

I wanted to ask everyone to say an extra prayer for Owen Piebers family he earned his wings this week. Jen I hope that you are doing ok and please know that im here for you whenever you need me.
Hugs to you!

Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven Christian 10-03

Here are a few pictures of us honoring Christians birthday, we went to the pumpkin farm to honor him,we have taken Christian there every year since he was two weeks old so we thought what better way then that.

We miss you our sweet boy.
Ive posted this a few days late but things have been crazy around here.

We went out to Chilis Monday night to support St Jude and Carter colored a pepper in memory of his brother.

Please read

Have you seen a gold ribbon? Do you know what it stands for? Have you heard that September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month?
I am the mother of a child living with brain cancer, a diffuse intrinsic pontine glioma. I finished breast cancer treatment on July 10th and flew from Michigan to West Virginia that day for the funeral of another child...a beautiful fourteen year old girl who lost her battle with the same rare brain cancer.
Everywhere I look I see pink ribbons, I feel gratefulness...and I feel anguish. According to an article published in the New York Times on September 22, 2008, as a result of advances in treatment "...98 percent of women with early-stage [breast] cancers survive at least five years.." Why is this true? Because we have banded together to raise awareness and funding for our mothers, our sisters, our aunts, and our daughters. Our children who are living with-and dying from-cancer desperately need that same attention...and funding.
Helen Jonsen, Forbes.com senior editor and mother of a child who recently underwent treatment for osteosarcoma, stated in a September 12th article, "Cancer is the No. 1 disease killer of children in the U.S. ...We tend to talk about it in hushed tones instead of screaming for help. But scream we should." The article goes on to say, "The funding for pediatric cancer clinical trials has gone down every year since 2003, and is currently $26.4 million. By comparison, NCI funding for AIDS research was $254 million in 2006; funding for breast cancer topped $584 million the same year."
September 13th was our nation's first Childhood Cancer Awareness Day. When I didn't see anything about it in the news-but I did hear about National Talk Like a Pirate Day a couple days later, I made some calls to our local news stations. For some reason I can't get the words of one of the story editors out of my mind. "So...what's your event?" Later."Pitch me a story."

Let's see...ummmm...would the deaths of 2,300 children each year be newsworthy? What about the diagnosis of 46 children each and every school day? What about the fact that only 2/3 of children diagnosed with cancer will survive? We could move on to funding. Is it newsworthy that for every dollar spent on a patient with prostate cancer, less than 20 cents is spent on a child with cancer...or that a patient with breast cancer has triple the research resource allocated to her when compared to a child?

When I mentioned that Child Cancer Awareness Day--and month--are a national thing, I was told, 'We put local news first.' Okay...I can handle that. A local event...I have a list of them. The shock of a family receiving a breast cancer diagnosis on an October Monday afternoon, and taking their six-year-old to the Emergency Room on Thursday only to be told, "There is a large area of swelling in the brainstem; we suspect a mass." We could always throw in the comic relief of the words, "My mom has a mass!" coming out of the mouth on that happy little face.

How about a mother leaving the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit late that night to go home because she knows she needs to get a good night's sleep before attending an Interdisciplinary Clinic early the next morning...where her own treatment plan will be recommended? How about a local pastor, husband, and father being given the specifics of his son's grim diagnosis and prognosis in one hospital while waiting for news of the specifics of his wife's diagnosis and prognosis from the Cancer Center at another hospital?

How about an 11-year-old boy and an 8-year-old girl being abruptly pulled out of the routine world of reading, writing, arithmetic, language, history and science as taught to them by Mom at home...and being thrown into a class on brain anatomy and abnormalities (specifically their little brother's) taught appropriately and compassionately by an MSU med school professor...who also happens to be their brother's new oncologist?

How about a six-year-old who finds himself no longer able to play the piano, the violin, or the cello because he has lost the strength on the left side of his body?
How about a mother waking up in her child's hospital room one morning, showering, and walking downstairs for her lumpectomy...while her husband takes over the duties of hospital parent and waits anxiously in his son's room for news of his wife's surgery?

Looking for a human interest story? Try the same mother moving back into the hospital early on a Sunday morning four days later so that her husband, a pastor, can be in church...only to watch in disbelief as her fun-loving, active six-year-old--determined not to have an accident--becomes too weak to sit up to go to the bathroom on a bedside commode. What about the willingness of that little boy to allow the nurses to help him even with the most private of things...because he knows his mother is recovering from surgery and he is concerned for her well-being?

Not sensational enough? Let's fastforward to Saturday, November 24th, 2007...two days after Thanksgiving. A mother sits in a hospital room with her sleeping son. She ends a phone call because she hears an alarm she has never heard before, an alarm letting the nurses know that her son's oxygen level is dropping. Soon the room is full, and it is determined that the child is disoriented, then staring ahead...completely unresponsive. Somehow everyone moves with the child on that bed through the hallways to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit where the intensivist begins the work of saving a precious life. Aside, the question parents never want to hear, though one that must be asked, "Given his prognosis-do you want us to resuscitate him, if necessary?" The father, who has just arrived, breaks down in the unbelievable stress of the moment. The mother realizes the urgency of the situation, pushes emotions aside, and asks, 'Do we know what is happening?' The answer is no. 'Then, yes, we want you to do everything you can for him.' She stands at the foot of the bed with one of her son's oncologists. Together, they watch the PICU team work...with purpose...like a machine. The mother steps outside the room only when the child is intubated. The drama continues, as the entire department revolves around that one room...that one little boy.... The eyes of those outside the room...every nurse, every resident, every doctor...are looking in the same direction. The parents sign permissions as they are handed to them, and the work goes on. Everything seems to be happening in slow motion. Finally, the intensivist approaches. The child is critical, but stable...on life support....

I have just highlighted the first month of our new life in the pediatric cancer world. I am aware of five precious children who died this week--within five days--as a result of just one type of rare cancerous brain tumor, the same as my son's. Skyler...Adam...Mara... Brynne... and Lauren. They belonged to all of us. What will it take for people outside of the childhood cancer community to notice what is happening to our children? What will it take for everyone to understand the urgency of the situation? What will it take for the federal, state and local governments to finally engage in the fight? Will it be the cancer diagnosis of a celebrity's child or the child of a political leader? Will it be the death of a child belonging to someone in the media? Will it be your child?
Please, join the effort to raise childhood cancer awareness. Show your support by wearing a gold ribbon, and by making the issue an important topic of conversation. Distribute copies of this letter in your place of employment, in your place of worship, and in your community. Contact government officials, and express your concern.
A decade ago, we noticed a person wearing a pink ribbon on a t-shirt or lapel. It didn't take long for pink ribbons to raise breast cancer awareness in the public eye, and to mobilize our society to action. I hope that in 10 years gold ribbons will be as common as pink ribbons...and that the survival rates for pediatric cancers will be comparable to those for breast cancer. With your help, it will happen...one gold ribbon at a time.
With Hope for Our Children,
Sandy Smith Breast Cancer Survivor & Mother of a Child who is Battling Brain Cancerhttp://www.caringbridge/.org/visit/aws

Go to Chili's for dinner tonight!!!

Eat at Chili’s on Monday, Sept. 29, when Chili’s will donate 100 percent of profits from participating restaurant sales to St. Jude.

6 months

Today is the 6 month mark since Christian passed away. Its hard to believe that its been that long already, and yet so much has changed since that day. There is not a moment that goes by that im not thinking, missing and wishing he was here with us. 

Life just isnt the same since  you left us my sweet boy. The day you left us was the day that we were born again. There will always be something missing in our lives, we miss seeing that beautiful half smile, and those big brown eyes. But most of all hearing those I love you's and kisses and hugs. 

Carter is taking after you now he likes to wear lipstick...its hard to see but at the same it reminds me of you. 

We love you our sweet Christian and you will never be forgotten.

updating

So its been a little while since ive last posted....things here are about the same. We all have been sick off and on. We have been doing home improvement projects to try and stay busy. But in reality no matter how much work you do you never stop thinking about the loss that has happened.
Christians birthday is quickly approaching and to be honest I have no clue how im going to get through it,just thinking about it is making me upset. And thats just the start of the next few months, with his bday, and holidays I just dont know how I/we are going to do it. I know we still have Carter and we will have to be strong and do things for him but I honestly dont know how.

There has been heartache in my old home town, another mother has lost a child it was not from cancer but an accident but its still the same, its very sad to hear about that and im sorry that it happened but now I worry for his mother and how she will do. I know our losses were different but its still the same and so im asking for everyone to say a prayer for the Willis family and that they will make it through this rough time.
You really find out who your true friends are in times like this. And I am so thankful for the ones that I have and I hope they know who im talking about.
I would also like to ask that you would saya prayer for Mary and Alex, they are grandma and son to one of my best friends. Mary is in the hospital and not sure whats wrong exactly and dont know if her heart is strong enough for a sugery. Alex is having some problems and his mom is very worried about him, Also my grandma Bessie has told me that they think she now has a tumor under her eye. I dont know how much more of this cancer crap one person can take.
I guess im done rambling for now......

Awareness Shirts

Another Angels mom has made a tshirt design for Septembers childhood awareness month here is the link to shirts. http://www.cafepress.com/teamunite

Sad

School time is right around the corner and as I see the buses drive by I cant help but get upset and miss Christian even more. He is suppose to be getting on the bus and going to kindergarten this year and after that he is suppose to turn 5 in Oct. and go trick or treating, be at his brothers bday party, have thanksgiving and christmas. But unfortunately he is not here to do all of these things and it makes me very sad. I know that he is here in spirit but its not the same as being able to see that beautiful smile he has when he is excited or happy.
I am hoping that the next few months will go by quickly, I know that we still have Carter and I'm going to try and make this time for him special but I just don't know how I'm going to get through it.

few pics of Christians garden

updating

Sorry Ive not updated in awhile but Ive been busy getting some things done. We are back from WV got back about a week ago. John Henry Days went OK I took close to 1000 pics for them. We also went to Cass Scenic Railroad took a ride on a train up a mountain. Carter loved it we had fun but at the same time it was sad for me because we had promised to take Christian there someday and never made it. I know that he was with us but it wasn't the same.

There has been a few different times that we have had some fun and it doesn't feel right afterwards. I am missing Christian more and more these days. It was hard coming back home this time as I was putting things away I ran across Christians certificate from school and an album of course I loved to see it but at the same time I was heart broken. he was suppose to move on this year from pre-k. Its been just about 4 months and what they say is true the longer it goes the harder it gets.

just updating

The 4th went ok as usual Iwas wishing that Christian was here enjoying the day with us. Carter had a good time up until the loud fireworks went off and then he ran to his nana and said no more no more...how ever he did like the quiet ones.

I like being in WV but I am missing home now. It will be nice to go back and have Chrissy with us. She has gotten big over the past few months but Carter and her play all day and its cute to watch. Hopefully she will be a nice distraction and I will enjoy what summer there is.

Hope everyone has a nice holiday.

My sister a friend and I will be going to see grandma in a couple days it will be nice to see how she is doing and to spend sometime with her.

prayers please/update

Everywhere I look I see something that reminds me of you Christian. The past few days have been rough for me, when I see how much fun Carter is having here at nan and pappaws I think Christian would be having such a great time here as well, riding the truck,swimming and just being with them. My heart breaks more and more each day. Sometimes its all I can do to get through a day.
I also want to ask for prayers for a family who is going to be going through this hell that we are unfortunately, his name is Christian as well and his family is going through hard times the mom is going through cancer herself right now so please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

I love you Christian William now and forever

For my sweet Christian

Its been three months today since you left me Christian and time is only getting harder. I hate not being able to hold you and touch you and hear your little laugh. I feel alone now without you,I have Carter but not you and now im broken. I would give anything in this world to have you back with me. No matter where I am Wv or home im all alone. Sure there are a couple good friends that have been there for me and listen to me when I need it or just whatever the case may be and I am so grateful for them, being away I miss them but im around support now and I dont always feel that there, I dont know maybe thats why I feel so lonely sometimes.
There is know worse pain then losing you my sweet Christian and any parent that is reading this that has lost a child knows exactly how it feels to be with out the one person you love most in this world.
I hate it that cancer has taken you away and that I only got to have 4 short years with you. Those were great years because I did have you but at the same time its not fair that, thats all you had.
Its hard when people look at me funny trying to find the right words to say or they feel awkard because im there, and what would be nice is if they would tell me something about you that I might know or even talk about something I do know. Stories is the one way I can keep here and alive.
Christian there is not a second that im not thinking of you and missing you...

Twinkle Twinkle Twinkle STARRRRR!!!!

I love you now and forever my sweet angel

Relay for life

Last night was the 1st relay for life for summers county. I had debated on going or not and eventually I did. The first while was going ok Carter wanted to play games and look around. But when they had the survivors line up I lost it so the whole time they were doing there lap I was happy for them but heartbroken that Christian was not there to walk with them. I do not even really remember walking the caregivers lap for I was crying during that as well.

It has been 3 months now and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago and others like it was yesterday.

Grandma got to go home Saturday and is doing well.

grandma/update

Sorry its taken a few days to update you all we just got to mom and dads and im able to get online now. Grandma had her surgery on Tuesday and things went well the doctor said he believes he got everything she had an MRI Wednesday but right now i dont know the results. She was walking around, eating and looked good on Wed. If she remains well she might get to go home this weekend. I know that Christian was watching over her and making sure things went ok. I have to say though it was harder on me then I thought. When I went back to see her before surgery it reminded me of being in that same spot with Christian and the waiting all day. I am more then relieved that things are ok for her. Thank you to everyone for you prayers once again.


As I said we have made it to mom and dads. After a long week of running to the hospital im looking forward to resting for awhile. Carter has been in the yard riding his new 4wheeler they got him and keeps saying that he brokie it :) Of course he loves watching the choo choo's when they go by and is loving that he is around Chrissy and Dutch again. Dutch is my parents dog.
We are looking forward to when daddy gets to come down and join us we are hoping the next few weeks go by quickly.

Yesterday was Christians class pre-k graduation I to be there but felt my place was with the family. I hope that all of the kids and staff had a good day and thank you for honoring our sweet Christian and his little friend.

Will update again soon.

prayers please/update

The past few days have not been going so well, with missing Christian every second of the day and now my grandma is having medical issues on top of having brain tumors which she is suppose to be having surgery for but now they have to wait until the other issues are better. So I am asking for extra prayers for my grandma Bessie and the rest of our family that she and we will be able to get through this.
I am asking our sweet Christian to be with her every time I turn around he can be her gaurdian angel.

Again im sorry if im not responding to you in a timely fashion but the past weeks have been rough on me and im just trying to get through each minute with out breaking down. This is by far the worst possible thing that could happen to a parent. So to all of the parents that are reading this please give your children extra hugs and kisses and tell them that you love them all the time, and live life for now spend time with them go on trips do whatever you can to do just to be with your children.

Christians garden at house

We had a memorial party here working in our backyard garden. We have made a special place there for Christian.