Yesterday Carter and I decorated the Christmas tree I was doing fine until I opened the box and saw all of Christians homemade ornaments ones we had made and from school. So I decided to let Carter do most of the decorating and I just watched him. He was having so much fun and that was worth the sadness. Of course Isabella watched the whole time smiling and cooing. Seeing everything through there eyes is a wonderful thing.

There is not a second that im not missing Christian and im trying my hardest to get through the holidays for the kids. Carter said the other day that he wants to hug Christian again and that he misses him. It is times like that, that my heart breaks even more so. But at the same time I am happy that he remembers him.

I love you today, tomorrow and forever Christian <3>

my babies

Its been awhile

First off Carter has started pre k this year and so far seems to like it, even though every morning he will say I dont wanna go to school momma. It has been good for him he comes home and will start singing the songs he has learned or counting. I love to hear that from him but at the same time I get a little sad because my baby boy is growing up :(

He turns 4 on Nov. 17th and ive been sad for this birthday pretty soon he will be older then his older brother and that was never suppose to happen. I know that Carter is healthy but theres that fear that when he turns 4 1/2 something will happen to him as well. He is looking more and more like Christian every day I cant help but think about how much fun those two would be having running around after one another.

This weekend we will be getting Isabella baptized and im emotional over that as well, for its the same church that Christian and Carter both were but also the same church that we had Christians service. I know that he will be there in spirit but he is suppose to be there in person.

I really feel like she can see him though when she will look up into the ceiling and start smiling for no reason. At least I hope she can.

There is not a second of the day that im not thinking or missing Christian. I wondered what he would have wanted to be for halloween this year. And what he would have wanted to his 6th birthday. And how much fun he would be having in 1st grade. What would he think of his little sister.

I was asked the other day if she was my first and of course I said no and then was ask does the older two help out with her then. And then there is that moment of why did you have to ask me this going through my head. But I say yes Carter does and leave it at that. What made it worse was it was someone from church I just wish someone would have filled them in on us before they said something. They did not know because they are somewhat new to church. So someday I might have to fill them in I just could not bring myself to do it that day.

I will post a few photos in a few gotta feed Bella now.