sad

Christmas has come and gone and I found that this year was alot harder for me. I miss Christian every second of the day. I see Carter playing with Isabella and think Christian would love her so much and love being her big brother.

I can not believe that it was our second christmas without him. Carter talks about him alot now days and even says he wants him back home to play. I know someone day he will fully understand all of this but right now its heartbreaking.


Isabella will be 4months on the 1st I cannot believe that. She is growing fast. Carter is as well and seems to like school he had his first concert lastweek it was really cute.

Im hoping the pain will ease up and I will be able to have happy moments someday.
I love you forever my sweet Christian!

Yesterday Carter and I decorated the Christmas tree I was doing fine until I opened the box and saw all of Christians homemade ornaments ones we had made and from school. So I decided to let Carter do most of the decorating and I just watched him. He was having so much fun and that was worth the sadness. Of course Isabella watched the whole time smiling and cooing. Seeing everything through there eyes is a wonderful thing.

There is not a second that im not missing Christian and im trying my hardest to get through the holidays for the kids. Carter said the other day that he wants to hug Christian again and that he misses him. It is times like that, that my heart breaks even more so. But at the same time I am happy that he remembers him.

I love you today, tomorrow and forever Christian <3>

my babies

Its been awhile

First off Carter has started pre k this year and so far seems to like it, even though every morning he will say I dont wanna go to school momma. It has been good for him he comes home and will start singing the songs he has learned or counting. I love to hear that from him but at the same time I get a little sad because my baby boy is growing up :(

He turns 4 on Nov. 17th and ive been sad for this birthday pretty soon he will be older then his older brother and that was never suppose to happen. I know that Carter is healthy but theres that fear that when he turns 4 1/2 something will happen to him as well. He is looking more and more like Christian every day I cant help but think about how much fun those two would be having running around after one another.

This weekend we will be getting Isabella baptized and im emotional over that as well, for its the same church that Christian and Carter both were but also the same church that we had Christians service. I know that he will be there in spirit but he is suppose to be there in person.

I really feel like she can see him though when she will look up into the ceiling and start smiling for no reason. At least I hope she can.

There is not a second of the day that im not thinking or missing Christian. I wondered what he would have wanted to be for halloween this year. And what he would have wanted to his 6th birthday. And how much fun he would be having in 1st grade. What would he think of his little sister.

I was asked the other day if she was my first and of course I said no and then was ask does the older two help out with her then. And then there is that moment of why did you have to ask me this going through my head. But I say yes Carter does and leave it at that. What made it worse was it was someone from church I just wish someone would have filled them in on us before they said something. They did not know because they are somewhat new to church. So someday I might have to fill them in I just could not bring myself to do it that day.

I will post a few photos in a few gotta feed Bella now.

Isabella Willow

Isabella Willow made it to the world on Tuesday 9/1/09 at 8:45pm weighing 7lbs and 3ozs and 19 inches long.

photos that were done for us by another angels momma

some photos christians garden and nursery

its been awhile

The past few weeks have been a rough one for me. I have been missing Christian more and more nothing I do helps any. I think about the fact that he wont be here when Carter starts school for the first time and he wont be here when the Isabella arrives. I know he is in spirit but its not the same he is suppose to be here in person. Time is not healing for me not right now at least.

Someone said something today that bothered me, she said just how many shirts do you have like that(meaning with Christians photo on it) whats it matter to her if thats what I decide to wear he is my son and miss him more then anything in this world and I want him here with me! So I kept my mouth shut and went on with the conversation. If you have not lost a child then you really dont know how I am feeling or what I going through and that maybe having his face on a shirt helps me get through the day!!!

As I mentioned Carter will be starting prek this year and I am not looking forward to it. My baby boy is growing up way to fast. We have him potty trained now boy was that a trip. He finally has it for the most part. I cant believe he will be 4 in november im freaking out about that as well since he will soon be older then Christian since he was 4 1/2 when he passed away.

I only hope and pray that the next year will be easier then the last one....

As for the baby she is growing well and everything seems to be ok. My blood sugar levels have been a little up so on medicine for that and seeing the doctor every week weather it be OBGYN or Diabetic and having sono appointments thrown in there as well. I cant wait for her to get out and hopefully life will go back to "normal" for myself at least not running to appointments or taking shots. My due date is in less then 10 weeks but im really hoping and praying that she will make it out before sept. 9th and Carter goes off to school I dont want to miss his first days.

We have been redoing the nursery and it has been a roller coaster for me I could not change the theme after all so we have added to it. We had done the room for Christian when he was a baby and it has been that way ever since. But I think we have done a good job making it into a little girls room.

Baby News

I had a sono yesterday and we found out this baby is a GIRL....so cartie was right all along. She was being stubborn so this is the best picture they could take. She is already acting like her big brothers :)

a year today.....

I can not believe its been a whole year today since you left us here on earth my sweet Christian. I miss you more and more every day. Life just is not the same without you, my heart is broken.
This morning Carter said he wanted to come see you and he has been talking about you all weekend. He sure does miss his big brother to.
I am so angry that you had to die from cancer and that your life was cut so short. What I would not do to have you back with us.
We sold some choc. candies and raised money for ependymoma research in your memory god how I wish it was in your honor. I only hope that one day they will have a cure and other families wont have to go through what ours has to.
I know you are with us each and every day in spirit and in our hearts but I miss hugging you,smelling you, hearing those I love you mommys. I miss being able to lay down beside you and sleep. God I miss everything about you.I hate that you arent here to teach Carter stuff and to fight with him.
We miss you our little angel....

We love you now and forever our sweet sweet Christian.......

updating

Its been awhile since ive posted but wanted to let you all know how we are doing. We filled out paperwork for prek so hopefully next year he will get to go to school.

A few weeks ago Carter runs up to me when I walked into the door and said theres a baby in your belly and of course I thought he was crazy and wondered why he would say something like that. I went to OBGYN today and I am nine weeks pregnant due in late september. He also said its a girl so only time will tell on that one. But I have to think that our sweet Christian had something to do with all of this.

I miss him more and more every day and I can only hope he will watch over this new baby like he does Carter....

its been awhile

So I thought I would update, we are all doing ok for the most part. Carter has a cold so im hoping that will pass soon.
There is not a second in the day that im not missing you Christian and wishing you were here with us.

We are trying to raise money for ependy research and right now we are selling some choc. suckers that our friend(christians girl friend) Vicky help me make. We will be selling them this Friday night at the Airport Lanes (bowling alley). I want to be able to make a donation by March 23rd that will mark one year since our sweet Christian left us. And im hoping that one day they will find a cure for this so that noone else will have to endure the pain that we are going through every day. So if you would like to make a donation to help the other children you can email me at amikinsjo@yahoo.com for more information. Thank you

I cant wait for spring so I can start working in his garden again, im so tired of seeing all the snow back there....

prayers needed

I found out today that my grandma Bessie does not have one tumor but they found another one. Both are around her eye. As of right now they are going to do another MRI in February to see if its growing. This is all I know right now but I do know that my family could use all of the extra prayers that are out there. 

Expanding Photo business

Hi everyone, I wanted to let you know that ive expanded my photography business onto cafepress, this way I can sell the photos on other items. www.cafepress.com/cncphoto 

Update on us, christmas was a little rough for me I was missing Christian and it wasnt the same without him. We did go to grandmas so that was nice to see the family. I hope everyones holidays went well.